STOP MAKING BORING CHARCUTERIE BOARDS!

Not to sound dramatic but if I have to eat one more cracker topped with brie and quince paste I might actually cry.

Hear me out, I’m not a snob. It’s just that since ultra-aesthetic platters burst onto the social scene, the same five or so ingredients have been on rotation on every wooden board. The same two cheeses, salami, uneven carrot sticks and predictable variety of dips (wow, Pumpkin and Kumara Hummus again? How original.) 

Think back to your last homemade charcuterie experience and: Tell. Me. I’m. Wrong.

Look, it’s fine if that’s how you choose to live your life but if you’d like to break this cycle, admitting it is the first step and listening to my tips is the second.

Luckily, the journey to a more exciting platter lies in nailing three simple sections: dips, meats and a showstopper. Don’t worry, I won’t touch your brie (we can all agree that cheese is still an essential component of any platter) but you’ve got to give up on the hummus…or at least spice it up a bit. And if there’s ever a time to get adventurous it’s Nose to Tail Month, so…

 Here are three ways to spice up your charcuterie boards:

DIPS

There are just so many more exciting options than store-bought hummus! If you’re asking for my number one pick, it’s pâté all day. Not only is it classy and chic (especially if you pronounce it with the exaggerated French inflection) but you can make it yourself and act incredibly smug about it.

This pate recipe is super easy but highly impressive – a great combo!

MEAT

Step away from the salami, we’re about to get adventurous and I need you to trust me, ok?

Beef Tongue has a PR problem and it’s one of the biggest injustices since we all judged 2007 Britney Spears. An added bonus to Beef Tongue Terrine being delicious, you get to enjoy the respect in your local butcher’s eyes when you order it. Here’s the recipe you’ll want to work with, by Nose to Tail expert, Hannah Miller Childs.

THE SHOWSTOPPER

If you simply must keep salami, if you can’t part with your hummus, promise me you’ll remember this one thing when laying your next charcuterie board - you need a showstopper.

I’m talking an exciting, adventurous, visually magnificent centerpiece that will ensure your platter is the talk of the town. My first suggestion would obviously be a unicorn made entirely out of olives but in case your local deli has run out of those, your next option would be my Crumbed Bone Marrow with Caramelised Onion Jam.

Being quite dramatic to look at, these serve up the wow factor for both your eyes and tastebuds. Truly, the texture is divine and served on warm bread, they’re the perfect platter addition for those mid-winter gatherings.

PRO TIP: These are ideal if you’ve invited guests with bad conversational skills as they’re a fantastic talking point. ‘Let me show you how to get the marrow out efficiently’, ‘I added a wild amount of garlic to the breadcrumbs - stay back!!’, ‘These were only $6.99 a kilo from the butcher! Why do restaurants charge so much?’

Et cetera.

Here’s my favourite recipe to use for Crumbed Bone Marrow with Caramelised Onion

So there you have it! All the skills you need to earn the title of ‘Charcuterie Conissuer’ amongst your friends and family. So go out into the world, my grasshoppers and lay those boards with heaps of pride (and zero hummus).